...in those arms

It all began with me watching him from afar;
it grew, it blossomed, never withered just died.

So what is it about human affection that is so powerful? Why is it that the embrace of another human being can change the way one feels entirely? Loves long lost can in the most basic of actions make one feel so many emotions all at once. 

Everything was normal, friendly, possibly a bit flirty and definitely antagonistic at times. Then I asked for a hug before they left. Then, then everything changed. It was like all of the emotions I had had to cram deep inside, shove down so forcefully, so many that they were compacted deep within and hidden from me and everyone else, suddenly were released. As he squeezed me they losened and they rose up inside me making them self known again, I wanted to cry, to sob and sob until I was limp in those arms. I felt both volnerable and safer in the same moment, in those arms. Our bodies fit together, like we were made on the same production line and it was more ergonomic and cost effective for our manufacturer to make us as two pieces that slotted together perfectly. 

I peel back the layers and reveal what 
is unchanging deep within him. 
We fit together, two Lego blocks locked 
together; and then I pour my heart out..

It is confusing and it's messy, but it is beautiful and it is pure, it is unselfish. When in his arms, in his bed all the layers peel back, all the bravado, arrogance and masculine pretext that he acquired since he was not-mine slip away and he is the same, he is mine again. But not mine, never mine again, I don't think... Never say never again. 

?

How can some one be so loving with LOVEing? He never did love me, and I think, I hope now that I no longer love him. But it is hard when being with him, being in that strong, smooth, earth shattering, heart wrenching, soul destroying embrace makes me feel the most secure it is possible for me to feel. He is the only one who never loved me yet he made me feel the most loved of all. We fit together, like two pieces of Lego squeezed together. 

Happysecurecontentconfuseamourouslubricatedwistful 

Like Tetris pieces in an epic game of Tetris where all the blocks are people in your life and you have to fit them all together properly, perfectly so that things keep making sense. But as you get older the people,(blocks) start falling faster and in more awkward and individual shapes, you stop being able to shift them into the right position in time and gaps start appearing, and before you know it, it's 

But this whole twisted stressful game is so much easier to win when we are interlocked, with our Lego blocks are squeezed together, stronger. Back when our pieces were always clicked together we worked. We really worked, I always said he was the Yin to my Yang and it worked, it worked so well. 

the water to my fire, the earth to my air

It only ended because I left, (I literally flew away to distant lands... without him.) He couldn't handle me leaving so shut me away in a little box and pretended I wasn't what I was to him. It was never supposed to be for ever but in that box, I got filed away and no matter how hard I tried I was trapped, the box was sealed and that chapter closed. 

                         

Then we went our separate ways to different places, met different people, did different things and changed in different ways. Now we are so different, more different, too different. But our bodies still fit together, and those arms still feel more of home to me than any bricks and mortar every could.

The Yin to my Yang

~*~

So it is painful, I miss him and I miss the embrace. But it is Okay, because I would prefer to have him in my life a little than for everything to be manifest and to miss him a lot. One day, one day, One day we'll either sort it out and live out plans naively dreamt or, one day I will stop loving him, entirely. Until then I must be content with long awaited embraces, stolen kisses and memories of youth and passion...

It is enough, it has to be enough.